Chinese = Racists ??

Recently I've been hearing a lot about marriage/coupling thingy from uncles and aunties surrounding specifically my mom and her friends. From what they said, they will NEVER agree on marriage between different races. They think it's a disgrace for our own kind. There has been a lot of cases that Chinese marrying a non-Chinese (no matter he/she is a Malay/Bumiputra/Indian) and all of those Chinese are being looked down by their own race. Though not all but most Chinese feel that way. Especially the elderly.

So I am being advised (maybe 'warned' more accurately) not to find a boyfriend that is not a Chinese. I don't know I should laugh or cry. Laugh cos I think it's kind of funny. Cry cos I somehow disagree with their perceptions. But not 100%. I still agree on some points. Half-half perhaps? I do have a lot of friends who are mixed-race and they seem fine to me. I mean their families are still living in harmony like normal families. No fightings/divorces due to cultural differences. And most of them are very intelligent/pretty/handsome. Envy them much. So I think marriage between different races is not a bad thing after all.

But sadly most Chinese can't bear to marry a non-Chinese. Not to say we are racists. We still befriend lots of Malays/Bumiputras/Indians. It's just that Chinese care too much about one's reputation. We care a lot about how people look at us. 爱面子. I guess that's the main reason.

Anyway this topic reminds me of Peter Chao lol.

So leave me your thoughts at the comment section berrow!

Teehee (imitating Ryan from NigaHiga) xD

Hard To Sleep #2

Still remember an old post of mine about me having a hard time to sleep? Well here's a part 2. But this time it isn't about banana trees. It is something else. Something horrible enough to make me depressed for a couple of days. Here's how the story goes...

Have you ever watched a movie...uh no, a documentary, more precisely, entitled "The Music Industry Exposed"? It has been broadcast a year ago. But I just watched it last week. And that's the reason of my depression.

From the title itself, I believe you can have a rough guess about what does this documentary reviewing about. But I think not many of you would guess it right. If you haven't watched it you would never understand why was I in such a state of depression after watching it. Maybe you would think I was too sensitive or I took this matter too seriously but I couldn't help it. I had a real shock when I first started to watch the documentary. Cos I never expect what I saw.

I don't really want to talk about the details cos I don't want to make myself depressed even more. Anyway, briefly, I would say it reviews about the involvement of Illuminati in the music industry. Especially Hollywood. According to Wikipedia, Illuminati is a name given to several groups, both historical and modern, and both real and fictitious. But in modern times and also in this documentary, this term actually refers to an organization which acts as a shadowy "power behind the throne", controlling world affairs through present day governments and corporations, the masterminds behind events that will lead to the establishment of a New World Order. If you ever notice some popular songs, there're always these similar words in the song lyrics such as New World Order, Rain Man...etc. Actually all these words have their specific meanings inside the songs. I never know what does a Rain Man means until I watched this doc. It actually means the devil. The Satan. I bet you must be thinking what does it got to do with the songs. Have you ever wonder why all these songs kept repeating the same lyrics?

Tell you the truth, it is because those singers are singing these words for Satan. They have sold their souls to the devil in order to become famous/rich. In other words, for FAME/MONEY. In exchange, they need to embrace the devil in any way they can. This includes song lyrics, music videos, concerts, etc. That is why we often see screenshots like money falling, black-and-white checkers, goat's head/horn, pyramid and so on in some music videos. In fact, those are the symbols/signs of satanism and it proves the worship of Satan in those artists. Hard to believe, eh? There are more examples in the doc that explains further in details which I do not feel like writing them down here. Cos I'm trying not to think too much about it. So if you are curious and want to know more, please do not hesitate to watch this documentary. I bet it'd scare the hell out of ya.

Anyway, I still remember the night when I woke up at around 2am all of a sudden. Cos I felt I was sweating all over during my sleep. Cold sweat I suppose. I knew the trauma after watching the documentary still hasn't gotten out of me so I got up instead of forcing myself to sleep back. I felt scared and went to find my housemates to accompany me but of course, they slept already. I got no choice but to turn on the laptop and find anyone who's still online to chat with. I needed to tell someone how I felt. It's not good to keep things by myself. I gotta release the pressure. So I found this friend in facebook and started to chat with him. Just the moment I wanted to express my thoughts, I started to cry. Naturally. Oh gosh. It's been a long time since I last cried. I felt hopeless and didn't know what else to believe. This world has corrupted and everyone's following the devil's order. Darkness has come. The end of the world will be coming soon. My heart sank and all I knew was I was weeping on my bed in silence...

But luckily, I'm getting over it slowly now. So no worries. I believe in miracles. I believe in God. I promise I'll be strong and stay positive. I will survive.

-written in 2009-

i was a cheater

This noon I was blogwalking when I stumbled upon this blogpost.

http://notadramaqueen.blogspot.com/2010/10/cheated.html

I was so shocked that my mind went blank. The world was spinning for a moment before I managed to get myself back to reality.

I was a cheater. And I use the word "was" cos I've learnt my lesson. But I never thought it would hurt others' feelings so much that it hurts mine too. Really, it hurts more than I thought it would. It felt just like someone had stabbed a blade on me. Right through my heart.

A Chinese proverb goes like this, “敢做敢当” which means dare to do, fear not to lose.

So right here right now, I am apologizing sincerely to every bloggers that I've cheated on before this. Cheating is no longer my work now. Please note that.

Last words from me:

To other cheaters out there, please stop cheating now if you are reading this or else you'll end up like me --- getting suspended and having lots of haters in this virtual space.

With this, I rest this case.

Deeply regret,

Magdalene Blue Rose

-17 Nov 2010-

Depersonalisation

Do you ever get the feeling that you just don't belong with your family, friends, co-workers or even random people you interact with on a daily basis? Make it simple, you just feel out of place in this society. This condition is actually called depersonalisation. The crucial situation that I'm having now. Most probably.

Being A Hypocrite - Good or Bad ?

I am a hypocrite.

And I like to be one, too.

Although there is always a saying like this,

I find it hard to change my habit of being such a b****.

In a good way, of course.

But sometimes,

I do feel suffer cos I suppress my feelings too much.

That is why I tend to "close" my heart so that I feel nothing.

And that is also how my blog got its name.

Empty

I always thought that when a person has a good-looking/attractive appearance, he/she will always have confidence in himself/herself. But I was wrong. The fact that I did not show confidence in myself when I cosplayed Tifa Lockhart proves it. Was kinda disappointed with my performance. I should have been putting aside my shyness and be friendlier and more outspoken to people surrounding. This concludes that confidence cannot be built through outer beauty only but must come together with inner beauty. Somehow I get really jealous of those people who have high self-esteem and know what they want in life. Looking at myself, I feel like I'm a lost kid who resists to grow up and only lives in her own dreamland. Like Peter Pan. Right at this moment, all I see is darkness.

Homesick

Was scanning through some old photos this evening when I stumbled upon a picture of my mother.

Within seconds, tears started to fill up the corner of my eyes and naturally I cried. I used to tell people around me that I'm not the kind of homesick person. But now I can deny no more.

I miss my home.

I guess maybe life has been too tough for me to survive here. I'm still wandering around and not struggling hard for future. It's such a shame for a 20-year-old to be that immature and unable to cope with the surrounding. I feel so sorry for not living my life the way I should be and always have to make my mother worry about me. Really feel bad about that.

Anyway, there's a week of holidays coming soon and I'm going back to my hometown Bintulu this Friday night. Can't wait for it.

I wonder how are you doing Mother...

*force a smile*

心里话

从小到大，我就是个安静的孩子。不管有什么苦哀，都是一个人默默地承受。日子久了，习惯活在自己的世界，与人之间的互动也越来越少，便养成了悲观的心态，对这世界没了希望。就因为这样，我活得很痛苦，反殃出绝望的眼神。我尝试改变，可是最后又变回原样。有些人说我看起来很自大，其实他们都不晓得我有着这样的想法。日常生活中的我都会摆着一副不屑的表情，让人误会了自己，害得别人都不敢靠近我。我看，我这一生永远都无法改变我的命运，只能一再地逃避现实，过着颓废的日子。原因只有一个：我没勇气面对未来。

i am nobody

I finally realize why I play guitar.

Cos I am trying to be SOMEBODY.

A Place in This World

This song totally reflects my situation now. Or maybe since a long time ago. It's an old song of Taylor Swift. Try comparing her old songs and her latest songs. You'll see that she has improved a lot on her vocal skills. =]

I don't know what I want, so don't ask me

Cause I'm still trying to figure it out

Don't know what's down this road, I'm just walking

Trying to see through the rain coming down

Even though I'm not the only one

Who feels the way I do

I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know

I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on

Oh, I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in this world

Got the radio on, my old blue jeans

And I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve

Feeling lucky today, got the sunshine

Could you tell me what more do I need

And tomorrow's just a mystery, oh yeah

But that's okay

I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know

I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on

Oh, I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in this world

Maybe I'm just a girl on a mission

But I'm ready to fly

I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know, oh

I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on

Oh, I'm alone on my own, and that's all I know

Oh, I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in this world

Oh, I'm just a girl

Oh, I'm just a girl, oh, oh yeah

Oh, I'm just a girl

p/s: But I'm not ready to fly yet. =P

No More Teenager

Today I'm officially 20.

26 June 1991. My birth date.

This year is a bit special 'cause there was no celebration for me. Pity me.

Well yeah I can't deny that I am quite sad due to this reason. However, someone told me that "能够平安度过生日也是一种幸福啊", making me think the other way round. Thanks to him that I can open up my mind and not feeling down anymore. ^-^

Despite my birthday, there's something more important coming soon.

Mid-term exam!!

*huarghhhh*

Next Wednesday I will be having my Data Comm mid-term exam and the day before that I will also be having my Japanese Language test 2 (Character Recognition). Woahhhh so scary man.

-the textbook and my scribbles-

What's more? Just now my big sis called me, not to wish me Happy Birthday but to tell me something's going on with my younger sister. I can't tell what's that. Kinda private. Family affairs. I AM SO WORRIED. Feel like flying back home to make things right but of course I can't. So tomorrow I'm going to call my sister to ask what's wrong with her. Hope everything is alright.

Btw I was having a severe bellyache throughout the night. Making me couldn't concentrate in my revision. So I did not finish even a chapter. Oh well.

-fighting the pain duhh-

Looks like a lot of negative things had happened on my 20th birthday. Maybe it's an unlucky year. Huhu.

Anyway, I guess tomorrow gotta speed up already.

*heading to bed*

26.03.11

It was YUI's 24th birthday.

"Tanjobi omedeto gozaimasu~ YUI-chan!!"

And also my third performance at night.

For Earth Hour.

Sang the song "Taiyou No Uta"

which means - A Song to the Sun.

There was some technical errors during my performance.

It happened that the microphone was so loose that it kept falling down little by little, making it further and further away from my mouth and so my voice sounded softer and softer, ruining my performance. I couldn't give out my hand to hold the mic since both of my hands were busy playing the guitar.

**disappointed**

I guess it was just not my lucky night.

*fake smile*

do what i like.

Had my first time, then here's a second time. Tonight I will be performing on stage again. And this time it's different from the last time. This time it's inter-college. More challenging. Actually I don't know whether I should go for it or not. Cos I know I'm not good enough and I don't know how does the audience think about me. I hope they won't think bad about me. But that's the reality. The consequences that I must bear if I want to perform in front of people. I just love to perform. Maybe because I'm not that talkative in life so I'm expressing my thoughts through performing. Once I saw a quote that goes like this: Musicians are lonely people. I think it's quite true. But not 100% true. Cos I realized some musicians are really shy. That's the reason they sing. Singing is their way of expressing feelings. Maybe I'm one of them. But as far as I concern, I can never be a singer cos I sing badly. Maybe I'm just not that lucky like YUI. Haha. Think I should just stick with my second preference - a professional animator.

Holiday ends.

To save money, I used bus to go back uni instead of booking flight this time. It was an 11-hour ride, starting from 6pm and arriving at 5am. Throughout the journey, I tried to sleep but my mind just wouldn't stop thinking about the incomplete assignments and the coming mid-semester exam. How I regretted for wasting my time in watching a Hong Kong series "义海豪情" during the holidays. Damn. Anyway, what I want to stress on in this post is that I was so stupid for directly asking a waiting taxi to send me back to my uni once I reached Kuching bus station. He charged me RMXX per person!! Damn expensive wei. I should have called up Pak Cik Hapdin as he said he only charges RM15 per person. Arghhhh. I would rather use the plane if I knew this would happen. But I could do nothing. There's no other human being around us at that time (it's 5am in the morning) and if I resist to pay such amount of money to the taxi driver, who knows what would have happen to me? I really can't imagine. So right here right now I swear, there will never ever be the same incident happen again. Amen.

CNY mood is ON

Been so long not updating my blog and now I'm back. Just another quick update though. Kinda lazy to blog nowadays.

Well I'm back in my hometown yesterday morning. Skipping morning lectures and afternoon lab slot + tutorials. I guess I was the only student who's absent yesterday. =P

To say the truth, I don't really like the feeling of being at home. Seriously. I feel better when I'm living in hostel. I prefer being with my friends/being alone more than being with my family. It feels strange at home and everyone feels like strangers to me. What is happening to me? o.o

Counting the days, it's been a month since the first day I stepped into Unimas. Before coming back home for CNY, there's so much that had happened there in a month's time. Made new friends, packed classes (I was so fed up with the clashed classes/tutorials/lab slots. It took weeks to make a fix timetable. All because of repeaters' sake. Oh well.), tests/quizzes, college's activities and apart from all that...a roommate who also plays the guitar! xD

Btw, I've joined this little college's activity named Sakura's Got Talent. It was a good experience. My first time ever performing on stage. I took part in the individual category as I wanted to try singing solo while playing the guitar. Hundreds of people watched me perform that night and I felt like I was having a concert of my own. Besides that, I never expect the crowd would cheer so loud for me. I was like "OMG...wow". So I sang as hard as I could without giving a damn about my sore throat. Although I didn't win I was happy enough for having the guts to go up stage to perform. To me, everyone was a winner that night. =)

Now, coming back home, it's time for Chinese New Year celebration. However, everything that had happened in the uni is still fresh in my memory. I have only one week of holiday. Though it's new year but there's lots of assignments to be done and handed in after the holiday. So I guess I won't have much fun here. =/

Anyway, Happy Chinese New Year to everyone who's celebrating it and have fun!

^ ^

i'm officially a MAHASISWI

I had been busying with orientation week and have not been onlining/facebook-ing/blogging until tonight. It's been 6 days I suppose. Fuhh~ Finally...it's all over now and I am officially a mahasiswi(the Malay term for a female university student) starting from today! =D

Fyi, I am currently pursuing my degree in a lovely local university called UNIMAS(Universiti Malaysia Sarawak) in Kuching. I'm taking Multimedia Computing as my major in Computer Science. It was exhausting yet exciting during this orientation week. I needed to get up at 5am and could only get to sleep at around 1am every day. It's a bit like National Service. Cos we were having 6 meals per day just like NS lol. That's too much for me actually. =P What attracted me much during this whole week are the Sidang Pleno (Malay Public Speaking) and Public Speaking sessions. It was fun having to listen to the speakers giving their talks on stage though it was ice-cold during the time in the hall. After that there's this Cheers session, in which every college was asked to create a cheer/slogan of our own and see which college has the best cheer of all. Unfortunately, my college (Sakura College) was not the best but I could see everyone from other colleges was enjoying our cheer. That's more than enough to me. =)

Another thing that attracted me is that there are some foreigners from Turkey, China, Canada and Indonesia coming all the way here to pursue their study. I never thought I would ever see foreigners in local universities cos I always thought they would only appear in private's. So that really amazed me. And what even lightens me up is that one of them (a guy from China) is doing the same major as me! So I will have a foreigner as my classmate~ That's just so cool. xD

However, I was quite upset for having the need to take up Preparatory English class (not compulsory subject) cos I got a Band 3 for MUET(Malaysian University English Test). Getting an A1 for GCE 'O' Level(The General Certificate of Education in the United Kingdom), I've always had high hopes in English language. So the MUET result was totally disappointed me. =/ Anyway, thinking at the bright side, it's good for me to take it up too. As that would improve my English better. =)

One more thing, I'm happy to know that the Dean of my faculty is an Indian. That's only because I enjoy listening to people speaking in English better than Malay. Not to say I'm racist but most Malay lecturers teach in Malay during lectures and I do not prefer that. It kind of lowers the standard to me.

Anyway, HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone!! 2010 has finally come to an end. So I'm wishing you guys all the best in 2011 and have a good night. ^ ^

my thoughts for today

These days my mom had been telling me that she feels dizzy all the time. And today I accompanied her to see the doctor at a clinic nearby. The doctor said she's fine. Only that her blood pressure is low and she's advised to take blood test for details. She will only have it tomorrow as she needs to puasa(fast) before that. I'm not sure what can I do to make her feel better so I googled about it. It says massaging at the back of the neck and feet helps. So I tried my best. Only at this moment I noticed the white hair and wrinkles my mom has. Suddenly one of Jay Chou's songs, 听妈妈的话(Listen To Your Mother) popped out in my head. The lyrics goes like 美丽的白发...which means beautiful white hair. My mom has grown old. She's no longer the young mother that has been taking care of me since I was born. Thanks to her that I am able to grow up happily and healthily. Now it's time for me to take care of her. But I think I'm not ready yet. After all, I don't have the ability to earn stable income since I've not yet stepped into the working field. Sometimes I would complain to her that why did she marry so late. Well she's 56 now and I'm only 19. I'm not the eldest though. My big sis is 22 but that doesn't mean she can support the family. Maybe I'm being rude to my mom but hey, for a woman to marry a man at the age of 30+ is way too old to me. But in any ways, I'm still grateful to my mom for giving birth to me and taking care of me for all these years. Without you, I am nobody. So what I hope now is faster start my degree and graduate and start working. That's why I keep complaining about why Multimedia Computing course needs 4 years time to graduate. Should be 3 years enough ady eh...~.~ btw I haven't book my flight ticket to Kuching yet this coming 26 Dec...apuuuu...you must be wondering why.

A Beautiful Start

突然间

觉得世界变得很美妙

仿佛找到了阳光

洒在身上

充满着希望

这难得的机会

将是个美好的开端

Rats Hunting Time

After the banana tree scary moment came to an end, I thought I can finally sleep in peace.

But I was wrong. There's a new happening coming right up disturbing my dream.

This time, it is an animal.

Behold...

The creature that manages to wake me up in the middle of the night goes to...

**drum rolls**

.

.

.

the RAT !!!

See that? It looks so evil !!

It's really annoying cos every night I will definitely hear some noises coming from the ceiling. Or normally the angmo call it as the attic. Yes. The rat is living in the attic. Not rat, but RATS. I can sense that there are not just one but quite a number of them.

Rats family huh? Or population? Or even community? =.=

So here I am. Swearing that I am so gonna hunt those f***ing rats down.

I really can't stand them scurrying around in the attic every night like there's a race going on.

That constantly wakes me up when I'm in a deep sleep and I can't sleep back after that. =/

Btw, I was a "rat assassin" in college last time.

It felt so good after "killing" the rats. You can say I'm insane. =P

-Me & Jothi taken in Jan 2010-

So rats!

Are you ready to hunt...or to be hunted?

**cunning smile**

Car Sickness

I always thought I don't have motion sickness but I was having nausea all the way to cemetery and coming back from there today. orz

Still feeling sick now. @.@

But thank God the weather was nice.

Amen.